Cognition
by JRCash
Summary: Han takes a moment to himself during the celebrations on Endor to reflect about Leia. One shot told through Han's POV.


_**Disclaimer:**_ _I do not own these characters. I just make them do stuff. I do not profit from this in any way, shape or form._

 _ **Author's Note:**_ _Another one shot in my personal challenge to write more short stories. Also, a bit of a challenge to myself in the fact I never write in first person. I've been playing a lot of Battlefront lately and when you play a mission as Han, he says "The things I do for that princess" before the game starts, so that's where that line and a rough idea for this came from._

 _Told from Han's POV on Endor during the celebrations at the end of ROTJ. Mild language throughout._

 _Reviews always appreciated._

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I am not a pensive man. Hardly do I dwell on the what ifs of life, because my list is too long and I've had one too many brushes with death that I'd rather not mull over. At least I didn't think I was a pensive man, but I suppose I'm lost in my own thoughts right now which would make me such. I find myself sitting here in my captain's chair on my ship, a place a few weeks ago, I thought I would never see again. Leia is still out with the celebrations. I've had a bit too much to drink, I think the whole moon has, but unlike everyone else out there, I've still got my wits about me. I just needed a moment to myself. A lot has happened tonight and while I don't think the reality of it all has fully sunk in yet for many people, at least for me, it's starting to.

I've flown from one side of this galaxy to the other and I've seen a lot of shit in my days. The good, the bad, the plain unexplainable. I've seen war, I've seen death. Hurt and sorrow. Never would I have thought in the midst of all of that would I discover love.

Leia. My Princess. I suppose now I can truly say that. I have the girl of my dreams, a petite brown haired Alderaanian who I love more than anything and, the best part of it all, she loves me back.

I don't think I was capable of loving someone before her. Maybe somewhere deep within myself, I was, who knows? Before her, love to me was the Falcon, winning at sabacc, a good glass of Corellian whiskey, an easy job for a payment of credits, all material and trivial things, not another human being. I never saw the point in becoming attached to someone else. People let you down, they only end up wanting something more from you. Perhaps I've been burned one too many times, became too jaded over the years. Chewie said me once years ago "The things you do for that Princess". Hells if I had a comeback to that for the fuzzball at the time. I never stuck around for anything in my life, yet there I was, sticking around for her. I think Chewie knew more about me than I knew about myself back then.

I stayed. I stayed thru all of our fights, all the biting words and scathing insults we threw at each other. I stayed when there was good days between us, those moments where I saw hope and in the bad days, the ones where I thought all hope was lost. I couldn't let her go though, even when I almost did leave on Hoth. I knew I had to, the bounty on my head wasn't going to go away and hiding out with the Rebels wasn't going to protect me from Jabba's bounty hunters forever. I don't believe in fate, yet I'm not exactly sure why the events happened the way they did. If I had gotten off that base before the Imperials infiltrated, who knows what would have happened. I never told her this, but if I had gone, I was planning on coming back for her. I don't know if Jabba would have let me go, but if my bounty was paid off and I somehow made it out alive and a free man, I had every intention of coming to find her again. I never told her that because there was no guarantee that if I left, that I would of had to opportunity to come back to her. I don't believe in odds and I don't deal in uncertainties. The last thing I wanted was for her to be unable to go on with her life, forever waiting for me to return, never knowing my fate or wondering why I didn't come back for her. I didn't see that as being very fair, hardly a way for a person to live a lifetime.

I did leave her. Against my will in a block of carbonite. If I had to pick the worst day of life, Bespin would be it. Not for what happened to me, but for what Leia went through. The last thing I saw was her looking at me with nothing but heartbreak and terror in her eyes as I was lowered into the freezing chamber. Knowing that I was leaving her behind, the uncertainty that I might not even survive the process, that the kiss we had just broken from might have been our last. I knew Chewie would look after her once I was gone, but the way she looked at me told me that the pain she was about to endure once I was frozen was something that couldn't ever be quelled. She had already endured too much suffering and agony in her lifetime.

She came after me. _Someone who loves you_. Godsdamn, I couldn't see a thing, I didn't know where I was or how long I was gone for, but if those weren't the greatest words I possibly could have heard. She was there, she was okay. Hells, she went halfway across the galaxy to come get me. I loved her before I was gone, I loved her ten times more now that I was back. There was no reward for saving me from Jabba, no other motivation other than the fact that she refused to go on without me.

Either I'm going to kill her or I'm beginning to like her. If only I knew how true those words would be when I first said them. Not going to lie, I am a Corellian man after all and when I first saw her, the first thing I noticed about her was she was attractive. Very attractive. Even if we were being blasted at, I couldn't help to notice how beautiful she was, even if she was bossing me around. If anything, she saved all of our skins. Part of my captivation with her was the fact that she didn't need me, she didn't need anyone, she wasn't some helpless damsel in distress. She was stubborn, opinionated and clearly could hold her own. Gods, that only made me want her more.

She still gives me that look sometimes. The one where she wordlessly tells me that she's got it on her own. We do need each other though, even if neither of us admit that out loud. A silent understanding between each other that we both know that we would give our own lives for each other without a second thought. Neither of us are very good at showing our weaknesses, but we have them. I'd never openly admit that to anyone, but I've got my flaws.

I was everything that she was probably taught was wrong in a man. I'm not royal, I haven't had two credits to rub together at most points in my life. I have a lengthy criminal record that now I can say I'm not as proud of as I once was. I'm not a bad person though, at least I don't think I am. I did what I needed to do to survive, acting on basic, primal instincts to live to see another day. I do have morals, a personal belief system that has been ingrained in me that I would never waver from. I would never hurt her, never lay a hand on her or be unfaithful to her and I think that's more important than a status or the background of a man. There's definitely some things in my life that I can say I wish I could change, but my past is what it was. No sense in dwelling on it.

Who knows what will come after tonight? The second Death Star has been obliterated and Vader and the Emperor are dead. The Empire is still out there though, albeit crippled and weakened, this isn't all over yet. There's still a lot of fighting left to be done. But the galaxy is one step closer to being liberated. I can't even count the number of times Leia confessed to me her hopes and dreams for this day and now it's actually happening. For a long time, I was skeptical that it would ever occur in her lifetime. I didn't get involved in all of this because I was in it for her revolution. Who knew taking a job in some cantina from an old man and a farm boy would have landed me here? I was in it then for the payout.

What wouldn't I have done for a credit at that point in my life? Sad part is, the answer to that question would have been a pretty short list back then. It's not about the credits anymore. There is no value in which I could place on what I have now. All the shit that has happened between Mos Eisley and now has honestly made tonight all the more rewarding and I wouldn't trade it if it were make me the richest man in the galaxy.

We have each other. A princess and a scoundrel and a future ahead of us together. If that isn't worth celebrating, I don't know what is.


End file.
